Blinded by Fate (The Ugly Roses Book 3) Read online

  Whatever look was in his eyes is gone as he nods his head. “Was worried beautiful, I thought maybe you didn’t want me to touch you after what happened.” He swallows the rest of his words, looking at me for an answer.

  I shake my head slightly, “nothing like that handsome. Just wanna shave.”

  He hands me my purple razor from the shelf and I waste no time, nor do I try to be modest. As Ryder lathers his own hair, I shave from my armpits to my ankles. Ryder does his best to be discreet but I can’t help but feel his eyes on me. I know he’s watching, and I’m sure if I turn around I’ll see evidence of him doing so. I set the razor back on the shelf and move under the spray to rinse off. I wasn’t wrong, and Ryder’s arousal is plain on display. Never being a shy one, he does nothing to hide it. I’m not offended.

  Bending down in front of me, his hands smooth up my legs, washing the suds off. His strong hands move up around my hips, across my lower abdomen and down between my thighs. Never paying enough attention in any one place, simply providing the service of cleansing me thoroughly.

  I look down at him crouched in front of me, this beautiful, strong man who has never harmed me in any way. The man with gentle hands and black eyes. The man I sang to in jail from the deepest part of my soul. A man I swore who I would tell I loved if I got out of there. A man currently in front of me doing his damndest not to take me as his in the most intimate way possible, but at the same time claiming me more than if he’d done so.

  “Make love to me, Ryder.”

  His eyes snap up and his hands remain hooked behind my knees. The silver in his eyes shine bright around the black and his hidden pupils dilate. Slowly standing, his hands keep contact with my skin. They move above my knees, over the back of my thighs, past my rear and up my back until they’re joined behind my neck.

  I watch the water droplets fall off his black hair and down his face, falling once they reach his chiseled jaw. His voice is gruff, full of emotion.

  “In bed,” is all he manages to reply before he shuts the water off. I’m meticulously dried, as he halfhazardly throws a towel around his waist and walks me across the hall to the spare room in Jimmy’s apartment.

  The door is shut after we enter and Ryder makes a half-assed attempt to dry himself before leading me to the bed. The covers are still pulled back, which isn’t like him. He always makes the bed in the morning. I noticed that when he came to me in Indianapolis. Ryder’s life is structured and a made bed is part of that structure.

  I don’t think any more of it as he leads me to the side and guides me to sit down. Removing the towel from my shoulders, he leans forward until I’m forced to lay down.

  “Head up to the pillows, beautiful.”

  I move into the normal resting position, head on the pillow and legs bent in front of me. Ryder follows and rests between my spread legs, first kissing my belly button, then my chest, neck, jaw and mouth. His forehead rests gently against mine as he speaks against my lips.

  “I want you so fucking bad beautiful, I do. I’m trying to take my time here, but Christ I missed you so much.”

  I hear the agony in his voice, wondering how it must have felt for him. Not knowing if I was okay after the guard beat me. He would have gotten word that I was alive, and in the infirmary I’m sure, but mentally, who knows. He wouldn’t have. I didn’t even know.

  I reach up and run my hands along his back, over his shoulders and into his thick hair.

  “I’m here, and I’m okay Ryder.”

  He pulls back to look me in the eye, once again with nothing but sincerity and love reflecting back from them.

  I can’t help but ask again.

  “Make love to me Ryder, please.”

  My breath hitches a little on the please, because I’m not used to asking for anything. I am used to doing everything on my own and I hope he realizes exactly how important this moment is—for me to ask for something.

  His fingers sift into my hair, and his thumb traces around the edge of my stitches. His eyes follow the path and I watch the crease between his brows form before he settles his eyes back on mine.

  “Anything you want beautiful, I’ll give it to you. That being said I’m not giving this just because you asked, I’m giving it because I want nothing more than to make love to you, and I want to be the only one who does it, forever Elle.”

  I close my eyes as the first tear of emotion escapes and runs down my cheek. Ryder catches it with his lips before it has a chance to hit the pillow.

  “I love you Elle. So much it fucking kills me sometimes.”

  Warm lips touch my own but it’s brief.

  “Open your eyes, beautiful.”

  I do as he says, staring at the handsome man above me. The way his dark hair falls over his forehead, the way his eyes light up when he’s looking back at me—leaves me breathless.

  “I love you. Just you, and all of you. I told you to keep me babe, but I’m also keeping you. It’s been hell not knowing what was happening with you these past few days. Complete fucking hell. Now that I have you back, I’m not lettin’ you go beautiful. Not ever.”

  This time it’s me who crashes my lips to his. He holds my face, ever the dominant one, taking over the kiss. His tongue dances with mine, he tastes better than I remember. I keep my hands in his hair, holding on so tight and afraid to let go.

  One of his hands lets go of my face and runs along my side, over my hip and between my legs. His mouth detaches from my own and moves to my neck. Licking, sucking and kissing his way down. He feathers wet kisses along my collarbone, paying extra attention to the bruising there from where the guard held me down.

  More tears escape, I can’t stop them. It’s futile to try.

  “Ssshhh, beautiful. Don’t cry.”

  Of course it makes me cry more, until he latches onto my nipple and his hand settles into the wetness between my legs.

  “Christ, always soaked for me. I love that about you beautiful, I just fucking love you.”

  His thumb circles my clit while he puts two fingers inside. I pull on his hair and he lets go of my nipple in favor of my mouth. I gasp against his lips when he touches me in exactly the right spot. I’m so close. Only he can take me there that quickly.

  I reach between us, grabbing hold of his well-endowed self, guiding him toward my entrance. Removing his fingers from inside me, he brings them up between us, putting them in his mouth to clean them before entwining his hand with my own.

  I guide him inside, and allow him to claim my other hand as he pushes in.

  “Don’t close your eyes beautiful, you know I hate when you close your eyes.”

  So I keep mine locked on his.

  Green on black.

  I allow him to see into the deepest part of me, the part no one sees. The part that needs a moment like this in order to see it. I let it all go, out through my still-watery eyes and into his clear, sharp ones.

  Wrapping my legs around his back, Ryder pushes deeper, harder, but still in that slow punishing pace that will no doubt leave me breathless.

  “Greenest eyes I’ve ever seen, stay with me babe.”

  I’m glad he knows this is hard for me. Not the sex part, the part where I let him in. It’s not the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but it feels like in this moment, I am giving myself to him.

  “I’m with you, handsome.”

  I lean my head up and claim his mouth with my own, falling back to share the same air. Out through his mouth, into mine and back again. I feel the perspiration on his skin, and I tighten my legs, lifting my hips up to meet him thrust for thrust.

  I know he’s close, I am too. I look deep into his eyes when he rotates his hips against mine, shattering me into a million pieces, making it nearly impossible to keep my eyes on his. Strong hands grab the side of my face and he kisses me with such fierce passion as he lets go on a growl.

  I let it go again too, and I let him take it.

  All of me—scars included.

  Chapter Seven
r />   I feel the soft brush of fingertips as they travel across my back, up over my shoulder blades and back down again. His other hand is on my hip, thumb making slow, lazy circles on my naked skin. I sigh in contentment, having had the most wonderful sleep. Opening my eyes I see Ryder’s sated ones watching me. I decide to go for honesty because it’s been proven that life can change too quickly, and tomorrow, as much as I hate the thought, I might not wake up next to him.

  “I missed waking up with you.”

  The side of his mouth tips up in a smile, before he softly touches his lips to mine.

  “Missed waking up with you too beautiful.”

  I hum against his mouth in appreciation.

  “How long have you been awake?” I ask.

  “Never went to sleep.”

  The tenderness in his eyes melts some of that ice around my heart. Or maybe dare I say all of it? Here, in this moment, I don’t feel cold. I don’t feel the hate and fury that threatens my existence. I just feel him, and me.

  Together.

  I know once I leave the sanctuary of this bedroom, the ice will start to come back. It’s my invisible armor against the outside world that has dealt me a shit hand. But right now, I focus solely on the man in front of me and how he makes me feel. The fact that he makes me feel at all is something I will forever cherish.

  Glancing over at the clock, I see it’s almost eight in the evening. I could easily go back to sleep but the rumbling of my stomach says otherwise.

  Ryder smiles softly. “Ready for dinner, beautiful?”

  I smile a little and nod. A few kisses are rained on my face before he helps me from bed. I stretch the aches out of my body, and Ryder unabashedly takes in all of me.

  “If we were at home I’d tell you to stay like that and join me at the table. But I heard someone in the kitchen not too long ago and I’d rather not share your body with anyone else.”

  I wrap my hands around his waist and settle my head on his chest. I kiss him above his heart and speak to his taught skin. “Thank you Ry, those words aren’t big enough, they never will be. But thank you.”

  He kisses the top of my head and holds me close while speaking into my hair.

  “No need to thank me. Just be with me, that’s all the thanks I need.”

  I lean my head back and get up on my toes to kiss this incredible man. I wish I was better with my words. Saying I love you is big, but it’s not big enough. It’s not enough or exactly what I want to say to him.

  I settle on the kiss and get dressed. When I find the right words, or the right way, I’ll show him.

  * * *

  I sit on a barstool beside Ryder at the island in Jimmy’s kitchen. There are three extra-large pizzas from Vinnie’s on the countertop. Denny, Ivan and Jimmy had already devoured one and a half before I finished my first slice.

  “Laura called, Jay. I told her you were good but give her a ring so she doesn’t show up here in the middle of the night.”

  I nod at Jimmy. She’ll lose sleep not completely knowing what happened to me in jail and not being able to talk to me now that I’m home. “I will.”

  I take a swig of my beer, watching Denny in my peripheral vision. He hasn’t said much since I got back, but he keeps staring at the stitches on my forehead and the bruising around my eye. They all gave me a gentle and warm welcome when Ryder and I finally left the bedroom. Aside from that, it’s been pretty quiet. Especially Denny. Not being one to beat around the bush, I cut my eyes to his when I find him staring again. “I’m alright Denny.”

  If I wasn’t already facing him I would have missed the pain that crossed his face. I have no idea where it came from or why it’s there, but it’s gone as quick as it came. He scrubs his hands over his face, nodding his head at the same time Ryder puts a firm hand on my thigh, squeezing a little.

  I’m not an idiot so I take Denny’s deflection and Ryder’s silent warning to let it go.

  “Good to have you back, darlin’,” he says before leaving the room and going downstairs, giving me a shoulder squeeze on the way. I wash down another bite of pizza with my beer and look to Ryder, “Not my story to tell, beautiful.”

  I nod. “I respect you for saying that.”

  He kisses my temple in thanks and I see Jimmy shaking his head at me, not in disappointment seeing as he has a smirk on his face.

  “What’s with the smirk, James Rourke?”

  Using his full name gets his attention. He tosses his leftover crust toward Norma, who’s curled up on the couch and comes over to put his arm around my neck, kissing the top of my head.

  “Love you Jay, and happy to see you letting some of that love come back to ya. You deserve it.”

  I fight the tingle in my throat as he says this quietly into my hair. Ivan, who hasn’t put his phone down misses the conversation, or perhaps he misses nothing and is just looking busy on his phone.

  Ryder takes my hand and holds it to his thigh, lacing our fingers together when Jimmy lets go. I lost one warmth but gained another. I allow this thought to settle deep in my bones as I finish what’s left of my dinner.

  Only when my belly is full and my eyes begin to fall does Ryder take me back to bed.

  Chapter Eight

  Ryder

  I peel the clothes off her perfect body. Scars and all—she’s perfect. She’s mine and I appreciate her every inch as I unravel her like a Christmas present. Before Elle, I never enjoyed taking my time with a woman. It was a means to an end. As much as I like the female form, sometimes I wouldn’t even bother getting them all the way undressed. Call me a selfish prick but once I got what I needed, I was gone. I’m not a complete asshole, I made sure they got what they needed too; but I can’t remember the last time I wanted to wake up next to someone.

  There were a few before Anna, my only long-term relationship, if you could call it that. But since Elle I never truly knew what it meant to want to actually be with someone, aside from fucking them that is.

  I lay her down on the bed, and worship her like I always will. She deserves to be worshipped. She deserves my mouth on every part of her body from the tip of her toes to the top of her pretty little stubborn head. As much as I miss her sass, which she will surely get back, I’m enjoying my time with her the way she is right now. I love all parts and sides of her; I’m not picky when it comes to Elle.

  I love her.

  I pay special attention to all the places that make the soft mewl sound come from her throat. I pay more attention to the ones that make her pull my hair.

  When my mouth is covered in her scent, I finally lay my lips on hers. She has no problem kissing me after I’ve gone down on her and it makes me love her that much more. So that’s what I do for the next hour, love her until she’s moaning my name and can no longer keep her eyes open.

  Only then do I fall beside her, pulling her naked and sated body over my own before I fall asleep for the first time in three days.

  * * *

  I feel the warmth of her mouth moving across my chest. She mumbles something I can’t quite catch, and I open my eyes taking in her riot of dark brown hair, the loose curls falling over her shoulders and across my arm. She’s the most beautiful fucking woman I have ever met and I’m the lucky bastard who gets to wake up with her mouth over his heart.

  “Mornin’, handsome.”

  Her sleepy, raspy morning voice travels straight to my dick, but I push that aside in favor of studying the softness of her eyes in the morning. She frowns in her sleep, and I always rub the pad of my thumb softly between her eyebrows and run my hands through her hair. She doesn’t know I do it, but even when she used to fall asleep on her couch, before we ever slept together, I smoothed out those lines of worry.

  “Mornin’, beautiful.”

  Her eyes always change when I call her beautiful, not in a soft way but in a way like she doesn’t believe me. It’s lessened over time but it’s still there. I choose not to bring it up right now in favor of putting my lips to hers.

&n
bsp; She settles down on my chest, head resting on her hands. I touch the area around her stiches, once again moving her hair out of her face. I like to see all of her—nothing in the way.

  “I hate that he marked you Elle, it fucking kills me that I couldn’t protect you.”

  She sighs, “There’s nothing you could have done, Ryder.”

  “If it’s too hard, I get it. I’ll understand. But I need to know what happened. It’s killing me not knowing anything other than what I saw on that video, and what the report said. I want your version, Elle.”