Blinded by Fate (The Ugly Roses Book 3) Page 6

  She closes her eyes for a minute and I almost think she’s not going to tell me. Then she opens them and relays everything, from the time the guard first teased her with a tray of food, to the time she left him unconscious on the floor. My hands form into fists for the majority of the conversation, and as if she could hear my earlier thoughts she reaches out to smooth the frown on my face. I soften completely at her touch like the pussy I am for this woman, and kiss the palm of her hand.

  I hold it against my face, and she brushes her thumb over my bottom lip before pressing her mouth to mine. She hasn’t told me she loves me, she never said it back when I said it to her. But she doesn’t have to.

  I can feel it.

  “I want to take you home beautiful, I wish this shit was over with so I could take you home.”

  Her eyes soften at my words; I know she wants to go. This place isn’t her home anymore. As much as she ran to the cottage—and let’s be honest, she was running—she ran toward her home, not away from it. I see the love that she has for her friends, but this is not her place anymore. She doesn’t relax like she does at home. Her eyes don’t light up here when she watches Norm chase a squirrel like they do when she watches her run toward the water.

  Perhaps when this is over she’ll spend more time here, but I’ll do everything in my power to keep her with me.

  “I want it over too. Still no news from Cabe or Maverick?”

  I shake my head, disappointed in myself for not being able to find this fuck. “I have a name, I have a picture. I just have no paper trail to lead me to him. I’ve hunted people before. This is not a first for me, Elle. The last two I hunted were in the jungle and before that it was Iraq. My team were successful on both missions and I feel like a fucking failure seeing as I haven’t turned over any new stones in the past few days.”

  Elle rests her head back on my chest, staring toward the window.

  “You’ve tried Ryder, that’s more than I can ask you for. If you have other work to get back to I understand. But I can’t leave. Not just because of the judge’s orders, but because I won’t sleep until I know where he is. I’ll never truly feel safe.”

  I flip her over on her back, she’s shocked for a moment until I get my face close to hers, pinning her body to the bed.

  “I don’t quit, and whatever else I had lined up can wait. You may not have understood it but let me clarify for you, when I said I loved you, I mean I fucking love you. That means wherever you go, I go too. And when your life is in danger I won’t stop trying to protect you until the fucker is either dead or behind bars. That’s part of what me loving you means. I’m not going anywhere, beautiful. I told you to keep me, which also means you’re stuck. You understand?”

  I don’t miss the shine of unshed tears in her eyes. Where my stubborn bitch went I have no idea, she’ll come back soon. For now I settle with the understanding on her face before I taste her lips, and then the rest of her.

  * * *

  Elle

  I look over the rim of my rocks glass to one of my best friends. Laura’s hair is a mess, typical because she has most likely spent the majority of her week worrying about me and her kids, opposed to looking after herself. Laura is a worrier, and I hate that I caused her anymore stress, but if the roles were reversed, I would be where she is right now; deathly afraid for my best friend and wondering when all of mess will come to a head.

  “I want my friend back, I want you to see the kids. They miss you,” she says.

  I think about my friend’s children with a heavy heart. I miss her kids, those I took on as my god babies, and I miss my own child in heaven. I sacrificed for them because it was for their own safety, but even knowing that it doesn’t make it any easier.

  “Me too Laur, you know I do, but I need some more time.”

  She sighs, “You won’t stop until you find him and that’s what I’m afraid of. What if he isn’t after you anymore, Jay? And what if all of this is for nothing, well not nothing, I know you need to sleep at night and get justice for your family. I just worry about how long it will take, and hope it doesn’t steal you away from what you have now.”

  I look at my best friend, the only girlfriend I have. She could be right, I know I have some good in my life right now and I am thankful for that. But she’s right when she said I won’t sleep.

  “I won’t live looking over my shoulder, Laura. That’s not living. Besides, it’s not just about me and my family, it’s about a psychopath being out there and he could do the same to someone else that was done to me. It’s not just about justice. It’s about stopping this from happening to anyone else. I mean, if I quit—if Ryder and his team quit looking and something like what happened to me happens to someone else—well, I wouldn’t be able to live with that.”

  She nods in understanding. “I get it Jay, and I do. I’m just not happy about it. You’re finally back, albeit partially.”

  I take another swig of my wine, swallowing the bittersweet drink to avoid eye contact.

  “Fuck, I get it,” she says, shaking her head while her eyes absorb every one of my features. She sets her cup down on the island top in Jimmy’s kitchen. “You’re not staying, are you? Even when this is over, you’re not staying.”

  Sadly I shake my head, “I don’t think I can Laura, not because I don’t want to. I’d love for this place to feel like my home again but it doesn’t. I didn’t come back here and feel any peace or comfort. I felt nothing. It’s like my time here is over, it served its purpose and now it’s time to move on. The only fraction of pleasure I felt at coming back here was because I would get to see you and Jimmy. Aside from that, there’s just nothing.”

  The words were but a whisper on my lips near the end. She’s the first person I have said that out loud to, but if I had to guess Ryder already knows because he’s so damn perceptive. I watch as tears form in the corner of her eyes. Laura doesn’t have a lot of female friends. Neither do I because we’ve always had each other.

  “I knew this was going to happen. Wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t know until I saw you when you came back. I always thought that once it was over, things would somewhat go back to normal. But when I watched you leaving the courthouse with Ryder yesterday it was like I knew that this was going to happen. I want to tell you that I’m happy for you, because you more than anybody deserve some happiness, but it’s not any easier for me to deal with. Please don’t think I’m selfish for thinking that, but fuck—I missed you, hooker.”

  The tears bubble over and I wrap my arm around her, keeping the other on my drink, pretending I don’t see Jimmy, Ryder, Brad, Ivan and Denny’s eyes on us from the other side of the room. I hold my friend until the tears have dried on her cheeks before topping up her vodka and cranberry cocktail.

  “I’m not trying to make anything harder on anyone Laura. I miss you guys too, more than you know. The only thing we can look forward to is when this is over we can talk on the phone again, and make plans to see each other. I could lie and say it will be hard to leave here again, but it’s not, Laura. That scares me as much as it makes me happy to finally say goodbye to it all.”

  She nudges my shoulder. “It’s because you have someone incredible on the other side of that. You’re saying goodbye to the old life and hello to a new one. I’d happily say hello to a man like Ryder too.”

  Giving a small smile to my friend is my only answer. After everything that’s happened I hope that the worst of my troubles are behind us. The Beckers, Braumers, and Claudias will hopefully take a back seat in our lives so we can move forward. To where I do not know. But away from the heartbreak and drama, and hopefully toward something much brighter.

  “You ready, love?” Brad says from behind us. Wrapping his hand around the back of Laura’s neck and kissing her on top of her head. She closes her eyes at the contact much like she does every time he touches her. I envy what they have, the closeness—nothing between them.

  “No, but I need some sleep.” She leans my way, giving me a
one armed hug. “Call me if you need anything. Or just call me for nothing, I don’t care.”

  “Will do babe,” I say, hugging her back and adding an extra squeeze for good measure.

  I’m not the same woman I once was and I know that’s hard for her. Losing someone who you knew better than the back of your hand isn’t easy, especially when they come back as someone else, not just inside but on the outside as well.

  I watch them go and Denny moves to take the seat next to me at the island. The other men are sprawled between the sofa and the kitchen table that never gets used.

  “How you holding up?” he asks.

  I feel like I should be the one asking him that question but I don’t, I sense whatever his worry was before and whatever underlying pain he has is not something he wants to talk about.

  I know all too well how that feels so I don’t push. “I’m alright, Denny. I’m tired, but I’m alright.”

  He nods. “I wish shit here was going faster for you Elle, I do. But we haven’t one fucking clue what to do next. We’re at a dead end here, and until something else pops up, or Shawn shows his face, we’ve got nothing else to go on. I wish we had better news for you, but we don’t.”

  “Not your fault, Den. I’m grateful for the help even if we haven’t got quick results.”

  Ryder comes over from the sofa in the living room, and soon the other two follow. “Alright, Cabe called. He’s been digging into finding the missing computer that was never registered in the evidence log. He hasn’t found it but he thinks he found Andrew Robert’s online storage account.”

  “So? What does that mean? Did he find anything that helps us?” I ask.

  Ryder shakes his head. “I don’t know if it helps us yet. There’s a lot in there to go over. He found one file titled ‘J’ and it held the same photos of you that were in the basement. He said everything is encrypted, password protected, whatever the fuck that all means. All I know is that he’s working on getting us more information.”

  I rub my temples, grateful for the non-useful info but incredibly tired and done with this week. I’ve done well today. I’ve shown my face, been pleasant enough around people and stayed awake for almost the full day. What I really want to do is crawl into bed and not come out until all this is over.

  Not bothering to say goodnight, because I’ve always been a fan of a good Irish exit, I leave the kitchen and head to the bedroom.

  Chapter Nine

  Not too long after I climb under the covers, Ryder joins me. I roll to my side so I can face him and rest my body on his. He’s so much bigger than I am and I can’t help but feel comforted by his size.

  “Where’s your family, Ryder?”

  I settle further into his chest, running my hand through the mild scattering of chest hair. He never talks about them, and I’m not sure if that’s because he doesn’t want to or because of what happened to mine. Maybe he just doesn’t want to share? Maybe he doesn’t want to upset me?

  “Only child, beautiful. My Dad died when I was eleven. Mom didn’t fare too well but she never let me down as a parent. I swear to this day I never saw anyone so heartbroken over a loss. My parents loved each other, weren’t afraid to show it either.”

  His lips settle into my hair and he continues. “Mom did everything for Dad. He also did everything for her. She lasted eight years after he passed, before she went too. Cancer.”

  I press my lips to his chest, directly above his heart. “I won’t say I’m sorry handsome because ‘I’m sorry’ is an admission of guilt and I hate those words. I have nothing to be guilty for, but I do feel badly that you didn’t get more time with your family.”

  His answer is a squeeze of his arms around my body, followed by his lips on my forehead. “Respect that, beautiful. My dad died of a stroke, days after he had it. Mom had months before the cancer took her. I got to say goodbye, and for that I’m grateful. You didn’t, Elle. So I’m the one who feels badly for you, everyone deserves a goodbye.”

  I turn my face toward his torso, breathing him in. There’s no better smell in the world for me at the moment. My favorite smell is Ryder.

  “Handsome?”

  Fingers run down my spine, settling on my waist with a squeeze. “Ya, beautiful?”

  “I can’t have children.” I clear my throat and clarify. “I don’t want children. I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t want to experience anymore loss, I just can’t handle it.”

  Strong hands reach under my arms, hauling me up his body until I have no choice but to brace my arms on either side of his head.

  Those beautiful blacks explore my face, searching for what I don’t know. If he’s searching for a lie then I know he won’t find it. I can’t have children.

  I don’t want children.

  I did.

  I don’t anymore.

  I was not made to be a mother aside from parenting the love of my life, my Lilly. And now that she’s gone I can’t picture myself with another child. Not because I don’t want to necessarily, but because it hurts too fucking bad.

  I’ve hurt enough. Haven’t I?

  It’s been almost five years since I was pregnant. I don’t know if I could go through that again. Cory was a wonderful father. He was there for me when I needed him. But he wasn’t there to fall asleep with me at night. He wasn’t there for the very first kick. He wasn’t there the first time I stuck my head in the toilet, not because I didn’t want him to be, and not because he didn’t either. But because we didn’t live together.

  Cory had his home, and I had mine. We lived our separate lives but included each other when we needed to. I won’t say that I did it all on my own, because I didn’t. But lying in bed at night, having pickle cravings or back aches, and wanting someone to feed and hold me, well that’s when I felt alone.

  Of course I never said anything. I was always good at hiding how I felt. I have also always been good at doing everything on my own.

  Jayne O’Connor

  Harley Green

  Elle Davidson

  No matter the name, I’m still inhabiting the same body. The body of a woman who never asks for help. I once went two days without hot water because I refused to ask for it. Laura bitched my ear off that the landlord was useless, but after those two days of searching online, researching what kind of boiler we had and what I could do to fix it, I did.

  I fucking fixed it.

  By myself.

  I hate asking for help, and doing so recently has made a huge dent in my armor. It’s not a bad dent, per se, but it’s a dent none the less. I focus on the handsome man below me, wondering, worrying that perhaps his life includes more life than mine does.

  If he wants children, I am certain that I will not be able to give them to him. I’ve been down that road. I’ve been there, done that. Got the fucking t-shirt heartache and misery to go along with it.

  Got the grave too.

  I can’t go there again.

  “I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never wanted kids Elle, because I have.”

  I sink further into his warmth, placing another kiss above his heart.

  “Handsome, please don’t let me keep you from having a family.” I no sooner get the words out before I am rolled to the side, my head resting on his arm with his hand in my hair, his other arm on my hip. He has my undivided attention.

  “Beautiful, I pictured kids when I was eighteen. Did it again when I was overseas, watchin’ guys get pictures of sonograms from their wives. It hurt Elle, watching grown men cry over someone they never met.

  “I never got it, not at first. Not until I watched a buddy of mine skype with his woman giving birth in a hospital. Never watched her, because that was his. But I watched him, you couldn’t not.”

  Ryder shakes his head, lost for a moment. “Never saw so much love. Watching a grown man fall apart, missing the birth of his boy. It cracked me, beautiful. It cracked and broke me really fuckin’ hard.”

  I feel for him, and the man that missed the birth of
his child while fighting to keep the rest of us safe. I never compartmentalized the Americans keeping the Americans safe, or the Canadians keeping the Canadians safe.

  Canadian, American, nationality is important to people but the goal is the same to me. I’m a born and bred Canadian, but that doesn’t mean for one second that I don’t appreciate all that the Americans have done in the war. It’s always been hard for me to talk about and classify us in terms of where we were born, because in my mind, we’re one.

  We always have been.

  We’re just people.

  We’re human beings with the same goal.

  Keep each other safe, at any cost.

  Sometimes that cost means missing the birth of your child. And god bless the fucking people who gave that up in order to keep the rest of us safe in our homes at night. Ryder has been one of those people, and my heart aches not to provide him with a safe haven for his offspring.